Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
I noticed yesterday my ex was still my emergency contact, had to change it before I twist my ankle and she be like “pull the plug”
— Tristan (@AyoTristan) February 24, 2016
Oh internet pic.twitter.com/bxAF8wh4Qb
— Charles Finch (@CharlesFinch) June 19, 2016
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
— Jennifer Wright (@JenAshleyWright) January 21, 2015
U ever wore some unnecessary shit 2 ur ex house, just 2 pick up ur last few things
1pm: “Im Just Here To Get My Shit” pic.twitter.com/oCWylue71v— FaShion Ma’ja (@FaShionMaja) March 18, 2015
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
— Shawn (@online_shawn) January 3, 2015
Bet her baby aint crawling into a Gorilla pit pic.twitter.com/YKhvv4Iyps
— Moe Alayan (@MoeAlayan) June 6, 2016
Life hack: if a ghost is haunting your house start dating them and then be super needy now the ghost is gone like everyone else I ever loved
— tater tot bros (@thetits) January 5, 2016
I need me a friend like this.. pic.twitter.com/MIdHbWqzUk
— Real Tweets™ (@iKeepItTooReal) June 10, 2016
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) June 16, 2016
When you in first place in Mario Kart and run over the banana pic.twitter.com/3i1wcrr1Cs
— Sailor Mars (@AlmondJoi1814) June 17, 2016
FUN PRANK: Leave a falcon to someone in your will, you never had a falcon, but everyone will be like “where the fuck is the falcon?”
— Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life) May 8, 2014
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) February 17, 2015
Boy. I ain’t showed my nose in a AVI since this pic.twitter.com/uERYYWgSdw
— Quincy McCall (@RonSwish) November 12, 2014
ordered a lyft and an uber at the same time to see which one would get there first to see me take off in my helicopter
— chuuch (@ch000ch) June 16, 2016
when ur too high already but someone passes u the blunt pic.twitter.com/PC3NNpCoEG
— treasure (@imteddybless) December 17, 2014
The Hulk is pretty scary for a guy in capris.
— Mike Primavera (@primawesome) May 14, 2015
admitting you have a problem is the first step towards having a new problem
— Mira Gonzalez (@miragonz) June 18, 2016
What’s your favorite Cure song? here’s mine, no question! pic.twitter.com/yg7QQ8CSPT
— Cullen Crawford (@HelloCullen) June 16, 2016
U know satan tryna temp u when ur swiss roll got a vein in it pic.twitter.com/124y8W1p6V
— Regular Girl (@Cole_Knows) June 7, 2016
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.— momma unfiltered (@MommaUnfiltered) June 15, 2016
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
