Another week, another batch of the most hilarious tweets, compiled just for you. Be sure to follow these guys and gals, and check back here every week for more jokes you can tell your friends and pretend you came up with them. They’ll think you’re hilarious, but inside you’ll be cold and dead.
Follow @robfee on Twitter.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
— batkaren (@batkaren) July 29, 2016
Steve: did u guys get a good pic of me
Dave: ya dont worry
Steve: which pic did u use
Mark: dont worry about it pic.twitter.com/JRiB79dxbh— gregory erskine (@cat_beltane) August 19, 2015
through tears, i take a step towards my only son’s grave. i muster the only words i can. “this is some shit straight out of game of thrones”
— demi adejuyigbe (@electrolemon) August 2, 2016
Imagine a casino where you can stare at women close-up as long as you want and they won’t even call the police pic.twitter.com/RUcDtQ2t7i
— Matt Ingebretson (@mattingebretson) June 2, 2015
No song gets to the point like “Everybody Dance Now.” A lady screams “Everybody dance now” at you right at the beginning.
— Daniel Ralston (@danielralston) June 23, 2016
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.— Yael (@elle91) October 12, 2015
just went to the cincinatti zoo and I wasn’t aware that the 3 year old kid is still in the enclosure. He lives there. Was his plan all along
— slick (@dlicj) August 1, 2016
I don’t need drugs to have a good time, I need them to focus, avoid depression, endure spring, fall asleep, and maintain an erection.
— (((guterman))) (@danguterman) July 3, 2012
Adding Eric Trump to Twilight photos is the only thing that soothes me pic.twitter.com/6mlA18buxp
— elan gale (@theyearofelan) August 2, 2016
This my fife song
My woodwind pipe song— Umami Skeleton (@Merman_Melville) August 2, 2016
2016 is working out for everyone pic.twitter.com/jzfxrtpNSx
— Drew Snow (@Dschnoeb) March 24, 2016
how twitter works is once a day someone who makes more money than you says something really stupid & then you spend the entire day being mad
— Sam Kriss (@sam_kriss) July 29, 2016
Like all activities, rapping can be hard on the teeth. I get it. I’m 50 Cent & I’m here to talk to you about dentures pic.twitter.com/p9b1vYH2Ld
— lisa goodwin (@LisaGoodwin1) August 14, 2015
I like to sit on my hand until it goes numb so it feels like someone else is liking my Instagram photos
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 12, 2016
I’m only gay because I left my Facebook open in high school and someone made my status “I like dicks” and I was too polite to correct them.
— Kyle Patrick (@kyry5) June 9, 2016
i asked a 14 year old why she only uses snapchat to text her friends and this is what she said pic.twitter.com/loROSDrxGe
— eve peyser (@evepeyser) July 27, 2016
Make a chill wish pic.twitter.com/nNSU1shNUz
— Eli Olsberg (@EliOlsberg) August 3, 2016
Thank you for correcting me on the sex of your dog.
— Jeff Newton (@yonewt) July 17, 2016
Can’t argue with facts pic.twitter.com/xrBXnQcGyl
— Jacy Catlin (@ieatanddrink) March 14, 2016
*Dinner with 5 people from history*
FDR: “Wait, do we die again when this is over?”
Grandfather: “I don’t want to die.”
Jesus: “HELP US!”— Spencer Porter (@porters) April 23, 2014
Want more? Check out last week’s hilarious tweets.
