Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / @brookekrista (Twitter)
Another week, another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your viewing pleasure. Give them a read, and remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. They’re not just putting their hilarious thoughts out there for their health, after all. Plus, if you’re just going to wind up repeating these jokes to your friends and passing them off as your own, the least you can do is throw a little admiration their way. It’s only fair.
Follow @Mandatory on Twitter.
Funny Tweets 7-13-18
me talking about my problems in therapy
00:45me talking about my problems when i’m drunk with friends & making everyone uncomfortable
87:37— Official Enya VEVO (@nachdermas) July 8, 2018
[hospital]
ME: {turns off tv}
MY DAD: *wakes up from coma* I was watching that.
— Consider John Frazzled (@FrazzleMyGimp) July 11, 2018
It cost money to get things added on your food but they don’t subtract when you take things off. https://t.co/99FZGh3jcL
— Donnie Fadeaway (@GetemAmbler) July 6, 2018
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
— jake (@squidslippers) July 1, 2018
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
— Baron Stigmund (@stiggib3) July 1, 2018
Me checking my bank account and calling my friends to make plans anyway pic.twitter.com/vH9NBklCwR
— (@TraeGilley) July 5, 2018
When I was 17 I went to get a Limp Bizkit tattoo and when they wouldn’t let me because I didn’t have a guardian’s approval, I cried and punched a lamp post. 3 months later I was allowed to take on $119,000 in loans to go to art school.
— Bill Dixon (@BillDixonish) July 8, 2018
Chill out, man. I’ll buy you some ink, damn. pic.twitter.com/sbFfQca8ih
— walk 500 riles (@500Riles) July 12, 2018
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
— jaboukie young-white (@jaboukie) July 3, 2018
It happened. I was there. Summer League 2018. pic.twitter.com/CTDc96tRcF
— Louis Keene (@thislouis_) July 7, 2018
Related: Shedding Cannabis’ Sketchy Style
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
— bob (@SauceLord_Bob) July 2, 2018
whenever i hear someone say “my therapist said” my ears perk way up. that’s free therapy
— Brooke Harries (@brookekrista) July 10, 2018
#IfYouStopAndThinkAboutIt legs are just your butt’s arms.
— John is in (@Strain42) July 7, 2018
If you want to know what it’s like to be in your 30s, I just ordered an orange soda with my lunch and said “that’ll be a nice little treat” out loud.
— SovCit, Esq. (@CORPORATE_NAME) July 6, 2018
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade? pic.twitter.com/WQwQc0gHzF
— Toby Herman (@tobyherman27) July 12, 2018
Yeah sex is cool but have you ever spent an hour looking for a song that you only remember one lyric from and then finally finding it
— maybe Leo (@LeonardCowalski) July 5, 2018
white ppl will feel unsafe walking by a black man on the sidewalk but will literally try to talk to the devil through a ouija board
— gracie hoos (@cottoncandaddy) July 12, 2018
when ur high as fuck up next to order at a fast food place pic.twitter.com/FKdYz7x427
— Tana Mongeau (@tanamongeau) July 10, 2018
I named my kid No so he can park anywhere he wants
— Dropped Standards (@rebrafsim) July 7, 2018
Whenever I’m outside Maddie never lets me go unsupervised. Here’s proof pic.twitter.com/6LeVm5RSNN
— milk (@mike_taddeo) July 6, 2018
