Header Photo: LEON NEAL/AFP (Getty) / Cover image: @ItsDaveRispoli (Twitter)
Another week means another batch of the funniest tweets collected for your Twitter-loving pleasure.
Give our top 20 tweets of the week a quick glance, enjoy a hearty laugh and then scurry off to your weekend, but first, remember to follow these fine folks on Twitter. Their blood, sweat and tweets did not come easily, but again, neither did your weekend.
Tweet yourself to these, then follow us @Mandatory on Twitter.
You’re a weird addition to twitter. How does that make YOU feel? https://t.co/iRSHuJNYLB
— Ken Marino (@KenMarino) September 6, 2018
Elon Musk in one GIF. pic.twitter.com/pLrPYN2tW1
— ian bremmer (@ianbremmer) September 7, 2018
Will Smith is turning 50 pic.twitter.com/cvscjFiLKE
— Erik Fontanez (@LordFonzz) September 7, 2018
Here’s an idea just bring back the original Ghostbusters.
(Plus Kate McKinnon. We can keep her.) https://t.co/5eECVtcsSO
— John Squires (@FreddyInSpace) September 7, 2018
No further identification necessary. pic.twitter.com/A5GB8Z8MQm
— I Don’t Draw Good (@IDontDrawGood) September 6, 2018
this is twitter not google https://t.co/dGrOQAnHsF
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) September 5, 2018
Let’s do this, bitches! #SunnyThe13th #MPGA #Tonight pic.twitter.com/VzijMGeDTC
— Glenn Howerton (@GlennHowerton) September 6, 2018
Why does Jack Dorsey look like he ran across the country to get to this hearing? pic.twitter.com/rqd3hhpi1g
— Max Miller (@RuinMyWeek) September 5, 2018
In true American fashion I just DRONE STRIKED my Nike shoes! #MAGA pic.twitter.com/0S9C6lgAkE
— jordan (@JordanUhl) September 4, 2018
Anybody else worried what the Cheesecake Factory employees will wear now that Labor Day has passed ?
— Dave Rispoli (@ItsDaveRispoli) September 4, 2018
Even funnier: Instagram’s Nudity Policy Inspires Weirdly Creative Non-Nude Photos
Them: you’re pathetic
Me: ok
Them: your girlfriend left you because you’re a loser
Me: ok
Them: you’re one of the ugliest people I’ve ever seen
Me: ok
Them: I don’t like beans
Me: what the hell did you just say to me
— Good Bean Jokes (@goodbeanjokes) September 2, 2018
When God closes a door, he opens a pic.twitter.com/re6KOemYsi
— Paul Danke (@pauldanke) September 1, 2018
Hey, just like raising my kids to lie for money or murder dogs isn’t my thing, comedy isn’t yours. Stay in your lane! https://t.co/nbIz1uW4Ht
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 2, 2018
Wife: [on the phone] the new alarm code is our anniversary.
Me: got it.
[22 secs later]
ADT: ma’am the alarm is going off at your house is everything ok?
Wife: no it is not.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 23, 2018
This experiment is a success. https://t.co/IK1H6jLUTs
— Julia Louis-Dreyfus (@OfficialJLD) August 27, 2018
I’m no HR professional but it’s prob a bad sign when an employee writes an anonymous letter calling you a brain-dead asshole and you can’t even narrow it down to 100 people
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) September 6, 2018
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
— Boog (@BoogTweets) September 7, 2018
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
— Dropped Standards (@rebrafsim) May 3, 2018
Listen, I don’t know about you. But all I see is a Teddy Bear with huge knockers. pic.twitter.com/HC1LxfXfCO
— Natalie Morales (@nataliemorales) September 4, 2018
Bannon? And me? On the same program?
Could never happen.
— Jim Carrey (@JimCarrey) September 3, 2018
