Hot beverages and genitals do not go together. One California man was reminded of this when, while retrieving a hot tea from Starbucks, the lid on his cup came loose and the searing beverage burned his junk (among other body parts).
Twenty-four-year-old Tommy Piluyev has since sued the Seattle-based coffee behemoth, saying that the accident made sex “painful and awkward.” (We’ve experienced this and haven’t even been burned, but OK.)
The incident occurred on Oct. 5, 2018, when the then-22-year-old cruised his BMW (we feel a little bit less bad for him due to this detail) through the Starbucks drive-thru and ordered two grande Honey Citrus Mint teas. As the barista passed the beverages to Piluyev, one of the lids disconnected from its cup, which then tipped, pouring hot tea onto the young man’s hands, stomach, and pelvis.
“Covered in scalding tea, and unable to open his door to escape because he was near the drive-through window, Mr. Piluyev quickly put the SUV into gear and accelerated from the window. He pulled into an adjacent parking lot, hastily exited the vehicle stripped off his sweat pants,” the lawsuit states.
The tea was definitely too hot to handle, clocking in between 190 and 205 degrees. Piluyev suffered blistering burns on his abdomen, thighs, penis, scrotum, peritoneum, and buttocks when it hit his skin.
Photo: Whitney Davis
All joking aside, the recovery for Piluyev was brutal. He was in the hospital for 11 days hopped up on hardcore narcotics (which some might call a nice vacation) and couldn’t walk normally, use a computer, or play the piano for months.
In addition to seeking damages from Starbucks, Piluyev is also going, um, scorched earth on Pactiv Packaging Inc. for its faulty cup design. Apparently, the company receives up to 80 complaints a day about its loose lids. That’s a lot of potentially damaged pricks.
We don’t know how much this guy’s asking for in his lawsuits, but if his sex life is really ruined, is any settlement going to be enough?
Let this be a lesson, Mandatory faithful: Protect your family jewels. Drink your tea iced.
Cover Photo: Whitney Davis
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