We’ve all told lies in life to get what we want. Maybe we feigned an illness to get our girlfriends to bring us soup or faked a work thing to wriggle out of mom’s 50th birthday. But the fibs we’ve told pale in comparison to the one a Ukrainian mastermind fed police last week in his quest to raise laziness and creative thinking to new heights.
After record snowfall buried the village of Chernihiv under two feet of snow, our Ukrainian genius picked up the phone and dialed police to report a murder. While sipping hot cocoa in his pajamas, he casually confessed to stabbing his mother’s lover with a kitchen knife before emphasizing the cops would need to bring shovels to plow his street in order to access the crime scene. Nice.
When authorities arrived to find where the body was buried, they discovered a bizarre twist to the murder plot. First of all, the road had already been cleared by city workers that morning (which was lucky, since no one brought a shovel). Secondly, when police entered the suspect’s home and found the “victim” sitting upstairs in his easy chair reading the newspaper, they began to suspect foul play of a different sort.
Under questioning, the fleetingly clever man admitted he’d faked the murder in order to lure police to his house. He added that while the municipal services had indeed plowed the street earlier that day, he “was not satisfied with the clearing” and hoped the police would do a better job. This real confession landed him in hot water, which isn’t as good as it sounds considering how cold Ukraine is.
Now the man is facing a $4 fine for falsely reporting a murder to the police. (And we thought America was tough on crime.) Still, we like where his head’s at. Maybe he’s not the diabolical genius we once thought. Odds are he’s less Dr. Moriarty and more just your average anal-retentive underachiever living in his mom’s sewing room with too much time on his hands. Regardless, for one magical moment, he was the smartest man in the room. (Then eventually, the dumbest.)
Cover Photo: Schultheiss Selection GmbH & CoKG (Getty Images)
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