Conspiracy theories used to be cool. Honestly, who doesn’t love shouting, “Dinosaurs are fake!” into a room full of children and watching them freak out? But last week, after a bunch of TikTokers started burning snowballs to prove snow is fake, we realized that rabbit holes are really no place for human beings after all.
According to OG cabal conjecturers (see what we did there?) the term “conspiracy theorist” was created by the CIA to cast doubt on anti-establishment types who were openly critical of the investigation into JFK’s assassination. Since then, the culture has shifted from the hands of underground nerd savants and political protestors to the barking masses huddled inside the echo chambers of the internet.
Don’t get us wrong. A healthy amount of skepticism is mandatory for any self-respecting hash-tagger in this day and age. But it’s not so great when we become totally unhinged obsessives who believe real snow is a Chinese plot or an army of dogs in sweater vests are surveilling Americans using their privileged access to mailmen. If that sounds pretty dumb, we’ve got a whole list of even dumber conspiracy theories that will knock your IQ down 100 points just by reading. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
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Dumbest Conspiracy Theories SM
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8. Pizzagate: The Child Trafficking Ring Run By Democratic Elites (From the Basement of A Pizza Parlor)
When did we all agree that anytime a political conspiracy happened we were going to throw a "gate" on the end of it? The naming process alone tells us these theories were spun together from bits of garbage found inside an actual Pizza Hut dumpster.
We agree most politicians are gross. But the gross things they do (like locking kids in cages or giving corporations more power than people) are very much taking place right before our eyes. We don't need to make new stuff up.
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7. The Covid Vaccine Has A Microchip Tracker In It
People are actually freaking out about the alleged microchips the government is adding to all Covid vaccines. But the ironic thing is, these conspiracists are broadcasting their theories (along with their entire inner-monologue) onto social media using a device that already tracks everything they do. Hmm.
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6.Robert Kardashian Is Actually Ted Cruz
Robert Kardashian died in 2003. Ten years later Ted Cruz became a Senator. Somewhere along the way, social media decided Kardashian had faked his death to escape his family and assume a new life as a politician. There's just one problem with this theory: No one would ever trade places with or knowingly become Ted Cruz. It just would never happen.
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5. The World Is Ruled By Space Lizards
Like our lizard lords from outer space, this classic conspiracy from the '80s just won't die. Which must mean there's some truth to it, right? Wrong. While it is true many politicians and Fortune 500 CEOs don't care what other people think or feel, that doesn't mean they're lizard people. They're just cold-blooded.
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4. Finland Does Not Exist
In 2015, a mysterious Reddit user named Raregan dropped the bombshell that the entire country of Finland does not actually exist - it is a construct of the Cold War when Russia and Japan sought to control fishing in the Baltic region. Much to the dismay of the 5.5 million inhabitants of Finland, the notion quickly spread across the internet.
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3. The Earth Is Flat
OK, this one should probably be in the number one spot (because it's the dumbest thing we've ever heard). But since it's fairly harmless (except in the case of Columbus murdering all those indigenous people) we're going to award this idiotic theory a bronze medal. Not bad, Flat Earthers, you should be proud of your achievement here today.
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2. Covid Is Fake And Everyone Involved Is A Paid Actor
So, the 500,000 Americans who died are just really great actors? And the thousands of frontline workers pushing themselves to the brink of a nervous breakdown just want to snag that Illuminati Oscar? Oh. Well, when you put it like that, it makes total sense.
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1. Snow Is Evil
Fears that China is controlling the weather by sending fake snow to the United States (during winter of all seasons) have got TikTokers in a tizzy. In multiple videos posted to the platform, theorists burn a snowball to show it won't melt, thus proving it's not real. Unfortunately for them, there's science.
Burnt snow actually turns to vapor in a process called sublimation (when a solid passes directly into a gaseous state without bothering to become a liquid). This latest trend is climate change denial in a nutshell. Rather than believe eight billion humans can have an effect on our environment, some people would rather attack innocent snowmen. When the weather goes wonky, we guess there's nothing left to do but follow suit.
