Stripper and Her Monkey Are Part of Major College Football Scandal, And We Couldn’t Even Make This Stuff Up

What do you get when you take a college football coach, a stripper, the monkey she uses in her act and put them together on Halloween? Absolute, horrifying chaos, that’s what. The day after Halloween, a tweet went out that said Texas Longhorns special teams coach Jeff Banks’ monkey named Gia attacked and injured a young trick-or-treater. The tweet came from a credible source too, Texas sports photographer and former stringer for USA Today, Thomas Campbell.

? pic.twitter.com/6vMYAz9mFe

— Tom Campbell (@thomasgcampbell) November 2, 2021

Obviously, the internet did as the internet does, and decided to figure out Banks’ monkey situation, which unraveled an even more bizarre story. Sleuths online discovered a rumor that Banks had left his wife for retired stripper, Danielle Thomas. Thomas, whose stage name was Pole Assassin, used the monkey at the center of the attack, as part of her pole act. Because… of course, she did.

That said, nobody’s clear on how the internet discovered how Banks and Pole Assassin were linked. It’s probably just internet magic aka Banks’ ex or someone close to the situation. However, we may never have confirmation since both Banks and the Longhorns have not responded to inquires about the situation.

??You CAN NOT make this ? up!!!!??

The Longhorns just hired Jeff Banks who left his wife and kids to be with a stripper named Pole Assassin who has been on Jerry Springer and has a pet monkey who is a part of her stripping act!??

Which ‘Core Value’ is this again!???? pic.twitter.com/h4tujmTfQn

— Clayton Mott (@MottThunder2) January 15, 2021

Fortunately, Pole Assassin tried doing damage control, essentially confirming that it was her monkey and indicating it was the child’s fault. Of course, Pole Assassin assassinated her Twitter after her tweets started going viral. Thankfully, the internet saves everything.

just presenting the full context. pic.twitter.com/twpPgVF8yQ

— Brian Floyd (@BrianMFloyd) November 2, 2021

Unfortunately, we’ll have to wait and see what happens because Pole Assassin says the parents have not contacted her. Could it be that they’re fans of strippers and the Longhorns? Perhaps, but we’ll have to wait and see.

Cover Photo: Twitter

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