Get woke people. Calling a man bald is sexual harassment thanks to a worker in the UK who took offense to the descriptor — and won a harassment case in court because of it.
Luckily, the law currently resides in merry old England, (where observing a naked mannequin and being drunk in a pub are also criminal offenses).
But you know it’s only a matter of time before the law makes its way to the land of the bald hairless eagle. Followed in kind by prison time for other concise yet unlawful descriptors like short, fat, and pedo-tinged republican. (Because we must protect men from sexual harassment at all costs.)
In order to get ahead of all that, we’re devising this list of fun and jail-free alternatives to “bald” you can employ once the Draconian laws of Her Majesty’s fat cunts inevitably wend their way to our shores. They may take our words, but they can never take our freedom…to use other, much less direct insults that mean exactly the same thing.
Cover Photo: pixelfusion3d (Getty Images)
bald alternatives
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Cue Ball
When the inquisition comes, tell them "cue ball" was simply a reference to your supervisor's ability to inspire others to action and not his shining chrome domus.
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Crypto Bro
He'll take it as a compliment. In fact, he'll feel so lifted by your words he'll go ahead and splurge on that Logan Paul Pokemon Card NFT so he can namedrop into a conversation later whilst attempting to hit on the bartender at the office taproom.
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Costanza
Or if you really wanna get meta, just call him Biff.
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Magic 8 Ball
As in, "Will Magic 8 Ball be productive today? Answer: 'My Sources Say No.'"
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Bezos Baby
As in, not so rich in hair.
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Semen King
Off-putting at first, yes. But gradually he'll come to tell himself it was an acknowledgment of his robust masculinity and never be the wiser.
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Unadorned Diadem
What? Exactly. He won't even know what hit him.
