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Social Media Day, an annual celebration you probably didn’t even know existed until reading this headline, is here and as such many are discussing the positive impact the likes of Facebook, Twitter and Myspace (ha ha ha) have had on our lives.
But what about the ways they’ve negatively impacted upon our lives? What about all the shit they’ve put us through, huh? Here’s how Facebook, Twitter & co. have actually ruined everything:
They’ve ruined movies
Because I hate myself, last night I decided to watch Terminator Genisys, a sequel which fundamentally alters the Terminator universe’s timeline in order to blame the formation of Skynet and subsequent destruction of humanity upon the Cloud. Employing as much subtlety as a sledgehammer to the skull, the film informs the viewer that in this brand new timeline the evil Skynet was created as a result of people wanting their technology to be inter-linked, sacrificing their national security for ease of use by way of taking advantage of this brand new “Genisys” software, that not only allowed users to control their thermostat using the smartphone, but was also inexplicably linked to the military. Though *SPOILERS!* Genisys is ultimately prevented from destroying the world, in an alternative Terminator universe I like to imagine that a guy somewhere would have tried to operate his toaster using his iPhone, but proceeded to press the wrong button and accidentally sent a nuclear warhead to North Korea instead.
The film tries to outline its distrust of modern technology by way of having people stare at their smartphones a lot, remaining oblivious to the world around them even when a T-800 carrying a giant teddy bear is wandering around their near vicinity (this is a thing that actually happens). This has become something of a recurring theme in modern films, with writers very keen to criticize our reliance upon our phones and social media, a natural evolution of the “evil AI” trope routinely employed in sci-fi movies. The key difference between these tropes, however, is that every modern movie that bemoans how much time we’re spending looking at screens, simultaneously relies on us to be looking at said screens in order for us to be complicit in the promotion of the movie. Terminator Genisys pulled in an underwhelming box office figure in North America, so in reality distributors Paramount Pictures actually needed us to look at our smartphones more in order to discuss the film on social media, view the ads they plastered across various websites and generally invigorate interest in it.
With the film industry routinely treating technology with a universal high level of distrust and unease, we’re now in a predicament where a growing number of movies are keen to make their viewers feel guilty about how much time they spend idly looking at their phones, while simultaneously needing them to do exactly that in order for them to become financially successful. I think I speak for every other middle-class white guy when I say that I don’t need to feel any more guilt than I already do, so fuck you movies and fuck you social media for making me feel like I’m going to bring in the apocalypse by spending too much time on Facebook.
They’ve ruined human interaction
I’m not one of those people who claim that friendship was somehow better in a pre-social media world, because that simply isn’t true. Before the likes of Facebook, you either remained in contact with friends by a) phoning them, or b) physically visiting them, and I don’t know about you but both of those activities are too time-consuming for me to want to indulge in frequently. Facebook and other such social networks grant us the opportunity to keep in contact with a wide social circle without actually having to put in any effort, choosing to only see certain people when I want to and not because failing to do so will ensure that I’ll die a sad, lonely death.
However, I do believe that Facebook, Twitter & co. have ruined basic human interaction, by effectively providing a filter between internet users that makes them feel as if their comments between one another have no consequence. By that I mean “people on the internet are bastards who don’t consider each other’s feelings,” which is hardly a ground-breaking statement, but one that is certainly a major contributing factor in regards to how social media has ruined everything. By doing away with that part of the conversation where you have to gauge the other person’s reaction to your words, social media essentially allows people to be as needlessly cruel as possible without them needing to feel so much as a twinge of guilt after having done so.
They’ve ruined books
I’ve never read 1984. I understand that this is considered heresy by a large portion of the internet, but I’d also wager that a large portion of the internet who frequently refer to perceived censorious activity or government surveillance as being similar to the events of 1984, also haven’t read 1984. “It’s like 1984” is basically the default social media response to any kind of action that they believe either oppresses their freedom or threatens their security. The news of Facebook administering a new privacy policy update will see someone referring to it as “1984 all over again.” Someone on a lengthy train journey observing that a lot of people are whiling away their time by looking at their smartphones, will also probably conclude that this, too, is “like 1984.”
Though as stated I haven’t actually read 1984, I think it’s safe to assume that a completely optional social network updating its terms of service, or people looking at their iPhones every now and again, isn’t what the book’s plot revolves around largely because if that was actually the case, the book would be fucking boring.
They’ve ruined capitalism
Capitalism’s alright in my book. I like money, I like giving my money to companies and then having those companies give me things in return. I’m okay with this. However, what I am NOT okay with is this new world in which these companies utilize social media in order to come across as more personable with their consumers, trying to convince us that their monolithic brands are actually your pals, sending memes to one another and sending jokey tweets to their customers. No. Stop. The only conversation any human should have with a brand is when they want something from them in exchange for money. No one actually wants a Starbucks barista to ask them what their name is in order for them to misspell it on a plastic cup, so this ethos shouldn’t be brought into the online world, with companies now deciding that their social media activity should revolve around convincing us plebeians that these faceless, multi-million organizations are actual people.
The moment any online trend immediately becomes irrelevant is when a #Brand starts utilizing it to elevate their online #Content. We don’t want companies pretending that they’re people, joining in on our fun. We want companies to send us their shit when we give them our money, to remain cordial when we file a complaint, and to stay as discreet as possible.
They’ve ruined TV shows
Following each and every airing of a new episode of Game of Thrones, the conversation on social media is divided between people discussing spoilers and then other people complaining about said spoilers. Every. Single. Time.
So I present to you two novel concepts: after watching the latest episode of Game of Thrones, make a conscious decision to both refrain from mindlessly shouting into the ether (Twitter) about the thing you’ve just seen on TV, and if you’ve yet to watch the latest episode of Game of Thrones, refrain from jumping into the abyss (Twitter) wherein you’re very likely to read spoilers. Whenever someone says that they’ve “managed to avoid spoilers” regarding a TV show, what they actually mean is “I haven’t been clinging to my iPhone, scrolling through social media every waking second since the last episode went live.”
