Photo: via The New York Times
Do you worry about the day when robots will take over the human race? Fun fact: They already have, and you paid good money for it, too, when you bought your last cell phone.
It’s been too long since you saw your face in the mirror, rather than in the front camera of your phone. Thanks to Yondr, the social etiquette organization locking down phones in public, you can get back to the old you, you know, the person who used to torment others just by living your life, rather than the mass-texting zombie robot who’s been waterboarding us with a carefully curated nonexistence using horrid selfies. Sorry, that was harsh. Let’s back up.
Yondr’s Founder, Graham Dugoni, understands the importance of pumping the breaks on technology and being a little more present in our own lives. That’s why his little Yondr pouches have started popping up in public, be it concerts and comedy shows or work, schools and dentist offices. You put your phone inside and lock it down so you can be a little more in tune with what’s going on around you for a change. When the event is over, you can retrieve your phone using one of Yondr’s unlocking bases, then go back to being a mindless Snapchatting robot. Or, maybe you’ll continue to keep it in your pocket after having had an intimate real-life experience with yourself.
Listen, it’s no secret we’ve gotten a little carried away with the phone use, data plans, snap this, selfie that, friend, unfriend, pin, tweet, live stream, like, comment, poop emoji. But if Yondr is actually needed in churches, it’s clear cell phones have gotten to the literal point of sacrilegious (also, there’s some shit parenting going on out there). It’s bad enough we had to make ground rules for our insufferable Uber drivers. Give Yondr a try the next chance you get, and you won’t regret it. Meanwhile, you can learn more here.
If you are going to use your phone, try: The 10 Commandments of Public Cell Phone Use to Keep You From Being a Total Prick
Yonder
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Bars: Remember Why You Don't Drink, Then Get Drunk & Forget Again
It's been so long since you were fully aware of your drinking problem (the problem being you can't do it without making an ass of yourself).
You're usually too busy taking pictures of your sarsaparilla to realize it's nonalcoholic and that you're just an ass all the time. But thanks to Yondr, you're fully aware what an ass you are.
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Concerts: Let Your Freak Flag Fly (In The Back)
When was the last time you saw a show with your own eyes instead of through the lens of your phone. You tried to zoom in with your actual eyes and now you have corneal abrasions from poking yourself in the eyeballs. It sure sounded good, though!
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Church: Have the Devil Ripped From Your Body
Usually you're drunk, Snapchatting yourself on Christmas Eve singing Joy to the World while everyone else sleeps through midnight mass.
Now you're just drunk in church and start to realizing how quickly you're going to hell.
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Court: Plead the 'Fif'
Typically, you're too busy looking up law jargon so that you can represent yourself.
Without your phone, you're screwed, at least until you realize you can just plead the fifth. (Fun fact: Chappelle is of the comedy shows you can see using Yondr.)
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Comedy: Feel Bad Laughing At Racist Jokes
You never caught the punchline to a single joke because you wanted to brag about sitting so close to Chris Rock. When he locks down your phone at the show, you can actually tell people it was a hilarious good time, instead of lying about every experience you ever had, like you normally would.
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Weddings: Try Out Some New Moves
Last time you went to a wedding, you were busy taking Instagram stories instead of celebrating your friends. Now, thanks to Yondr's phone lockdown, you're the drunkest guy at the party again. It's like going back in time to being 16 and pissing off everyone you ever met in one fell swoop.
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School: Hit on the Teacher (Knowing It'll Never Happen)"
You always raised your hand because it was the only way you could strike up a conversation with her. She had 20 or so years on you, but now that you don't have your phone, you can focus more steadily on that rejection with hope and a public erection under the desk.
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Work: Figure Out How To Get Out Of Doing Any
Most people use their phones to get through work. Without it, you can "work" on manipulating those around you to do your work for you. When it comes time for a promotion, be sure to thank Yondr.
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Dentists Office: Realize Just How Gross Your Mouth Is
Usually, going to the dentist means taking selfies while someone puts their hand in your mouth. Now, you can listen to the sound of his voice telling you just how disgusting you are. You used to only have one free hand to brush your teeth, but now you have two, so they should be twice as sparkly now.
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Private Events: Be A Fucking Baller
Let's be honest: You never let people into your parties before cell phones and you still don't, because you've been too busy leaving your phone where no one can reach you to find out where the hell they're supposed to park.
You've been surprisingly good at a getting down, constantly repeating to friends, "Hold all my calls."
Yondr can do all this, as well as customize a private party or event, and more. Get back to your life and lock down that phone, player.
