Local Woman Waits Too Long to Send in Census Forms, Says She Was Holding to See If She Makes It Out Alive First

No one likes being told what to do. When we were kids, our parents would tell us to take out the trash, do our homework, brush our teeth, and go to bed. No thanks. How about we wait until the garbage grows a face, our As turn to Ds, our teeth rot, and sleep when the clock strikes noon tomorrow? Ah, procrastinating; the single most counterproductive thing we can do (or not do) to feel in control…without resorting to hard drugs or S&M. It’s like taking a quick peek outside the Matrix without fully committing to rebellion. A local woman (that chick, Nancy who you always see avoiding cracks on the sidewalk) embraced this type of empowerment by giving this year the metaphorical finger: she waited too long to send in her form for the 2020 Census.

Who can blame her? The events of 2020 have made the world feels precarious and at war with itself: the wildfires in Australia, a looming threat of WW III, an impeachment, UFOs, and the COVID-19 pandemic? What the actual fuck? Even before those 2020 calendars went up (forefathers rolling in their graves as they did), the sea level was rising, Brexit happened (whatever that even means), and Sony made a butthole cut of their live-action musical, Cats. One cannot be expected to the U.S. Census Bureau’s short questionnaire when multi-millionaire dollar entertainment as stooped as low as digitally-rendered buttholes. All things considered, shouldn’t we be asking more important questions than “what is our relation to the people we live with?”

The only way Nancy was sending in her answers on time is if the first question on the questionnaire was “what the fuck?” She would have responded in kind—online, by phone, and by mail. However, that did not happen and she did not respond; she had better things to do and, quite frankly: what’s the point of “helping shape the future of one’s family and community” (or at least that’s what the Instagram ads say) with a racially-aware headcount if she can’t even make it out of 2020 alive? Nancy did not feel like the momentum was in her favor. To quote Robin Williams, “Carpe Diem.”

Instead, Nancy filled those cracks in the sidewalk (chuckling as she did it), practiced shooting automatic weapons with her conservative neighbor (while adhering to social distancing), and wrote fifteen blog posts about how the Kardashians, despite being horrible, are actually really good at branding. One might not necessarily call this living. But under an umbrella of Census-related irreverence, it certainly was for Nancy. 

The government, like our parents, are not fans of rebellion. As you know, we are required by law to complete the Census. When you don’t, you’re fined one hundred dollars and then up to five thousand dollars for incomplete or false answers as time goes on (according to a very quick Google search). So, after being fined that initial one hundred, Nancy decided to fill out the Census. Sitting there with her cardigan and Elizabeth Warren haircut, Nancy answered every question with F. Scott Fitzgerald-esque descriptions of her cat’s butthole.  

No one knows where Nancy is now. The U.S. Census Bureau’s geek squad may never find her. The last anyone saw of Nancy she was peeling out of the Ozarks driving a 08 Toyota Camry with hope in her heart; confident that she would see 2021. Confident that we all will. In a time where we all feel powerless and frustrated by a plethora of discombobulating things, Nancy and her butthole Census brings to mind an important lesson: everyone has the power to piss other people off but that doesn’t mean you should piss off everyone. 

Rather than argue with her neighbor about politics or get wrapped up in division, hate, and panic, Nancy just didn’t fill out her Census. However, the story of Nancy’s crusade doesn’t condone you not filling out your 2020 census (that would just be inconsiderate). All she meant to do was a small, harmless act of rebellion to put her mind at ease, just like the things we used to do when we were asshole kids. Unfortunately, Nancy is now a criminal.

So remember Nancy and be smart about how you procrastinate. We never want to take out the trash, do our homework, brush our teeth, or go to bed but adults always do.

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Cover Photo: Smith Collection/Gado (Getty Images)

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