Meanwhile in South Dakota: Woman Literally Tears Herself a New A-Hole In Jet Ski Accident

Admit it: you’ve often used the phrase “tear you a new asshole” without ever considering where the phrase came from, much less if such a thing could actually happen. Well, we have bad news for you. Not only is that saying not just some clever turn of phrase, a woman in South Dakota actually experienced that exact scenario.

It all happened when Emily Herbert boarded a jet ski with her boyfriend. She must have been an inexperienced rider at the time, because she didn’t know she needed to hold on to him during the jaunt.

“We were going maybe 2 mph in the no-wake zone and he did not tell me he was just going to take off once we were out of the no-wake zone. Since I was not holding on, I flew off the back as he continued into the lake,” she told Buzzfeed.

The impact was so great, she actually blacked out. Luckily for her, she was wearing a life jacket, so she was floating – albeit in a lot of pain. Her boyfriend came to rescue her and put her back on the jet ski. They returned to a friend’s houseboat and she got into bed…which is where she realized she was bleeding from her backside.

“I thought there was a cut on my leg somewhere, but when I went to the bathroom, I realized my butthole was bleeding,” she said. She thought her stomach was the source of the bleeding and that it would stop on its own (ahh, wishful thinking). Instead of stopping though, the bleeding continued…and her belly became strangely distended. That’s when she called a friend, who took her to the ER.

Two hours, an ultrasound, and an MRI later, the docs diagnosed Herbert’s problem: the jet ski stream had torn through her intestines, bladder, clitoris, and…yup, her rectum.

Herbert was rushed into surgery, and it’s a good thing she was: she could have died from blood loss. We’ll spare you the gory details of her recovery (which involves ileostomy bags, stomas, and a reversal surgery) and just tell you the good news: she’s all better now, and she’s even gotten back on a jet ski since the horrific incident.

As she told Buzzfeed, “The best way for me to heal was to get back on and show that jet ski who is boss!”

You are braver than we would be, Emily. One ruptured butthole and we’d swear off water sports for life.

Cover Photo: Mikael Vaisanen (Getty Images)

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