According to President Donald Trump, America has a serious problem. No, it’s not the deficit (which has ballooned in recent years), nor the little rocket man in North Korea, nor the fact that corporate tax subsidies are robbing us of our collective national wealth. The problem, according to our president, is too much pooing by Americans and the constant flushing that ensues. In a recent statement addressing ways to improve climate strategies via the EPA, Trump informed the press that “we have a situation where we are looking very strongly at sinks and showers…and other elements of bathrooms…where the water rushes out to sea because you could never handle it.” After navigating his way around a sentence about showers “dripping very quietly,” he went on to accuse the American public of “flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times, as opposed to once.”
If you take a moment to watch his very presidential speech, you’ll notice a lot of trailing off. That’s because of the emotions involved in toilet flushing and how strongly our president feels about this issue. We understand it’s a matter very close to the president’s heart. What we don’t understand is how someone could possibly need to flush the toilet 15 times a day. Who are these people and how do they live? So we did a little digging and here’s what we discovered during our day in the life of a 15-times-a-day-flusher. (Warning: report contains graphic images of flushing.)
Photo: ISABEL INFANTES (Getty Images)
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Honest Timeline Flush 15
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12 AM: What Goes In Must Come Out
You make your way to the fridge in the darkness looking for a midnight snack. You open the fridge, the light is blinding, it penetrates deep within your skull. You grab the nearest object that feels like food. You eat it in silence. Life is good.
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1:15 AM: Your Day Begins
A sudden grumble violently wakes you from your slumber. You flip on the light to find the remains of a moldy tuna sandwich that you ordered from GrubHub seven weeks ago and forgot about. All is not well.
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1:20 AM: First Flush of the Day
It’s go time. You've suddenly got more propulsion than the Millennium Falcon.
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2 AM: Flush Number Two
You thought you'd handled the problem, but there's no way you're getting off that easy. Here comes a rising sensation in your throat, but you manage to fight it back. Still, the glob of spit you left in the toilet is too gross to look at, so you flush it.
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4 AM: Flushes Three Through Eight
Just when you thought you were in the clear, suddenly you wake to a full-blown disaster. Things are flying out of both ends now. You have to courtesy flush five times in five minutes just to stay alive. It's not pretty.
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6 AM: Camping Out
The storm has finally passed, but you must still live on the toilet for the next 12 hours, flushing periodically as needed. Turns out, you may have botulism.
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8 PM: Hunger Strikes
Finally, things have finally settled down. You’ve lost a lot of fluids, but at least the cold turkey sweats have gone. You shower, put on your favorite hat, and head to the kitchen for dinner. There’s nothing to eat, so you order in.
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8:34 PM: Flush 15
While you wait for your food, you stop by the bathroom for a run-of-the-mill pee.
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9 PM: Lights Out
You’re so fatigued from the day's flushing that by the time your food arrives, you’ve passed out on the dining room floor. Don't worry, your roommate received the package.
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11:58 PM: New Beginnings
You wake famished and lumber to the fridge to get a snack. In two minutes, the cycle will repeat itself. That's when you realize that Donald Trump was right. It appears we have a flushing problem.
