In the words of Texas Governor Abbott, “You never know when a tree is going to fall on you.” Abbott earned this pearl of wisdom after a tree fell on him one windy morning in 1984, relegating him to a wheelchair for the rest of his days. But rather than treating it as an unfortunate act of god, Abbott sued the pants off the guy who owned the tree. That’s what we call turning a frown upside down.
Throughout his career in politics, Governor Abbott has been able to see the bright side of things when no one else can. Even after a teenager bought a semi-automatic rifle the day after his 18th birthday and used it to do the unthinkable at an elementary school in Texas, Abbott remained buoyed. When asked about the shooting in Uvalde, Abbot told reporters: “It could have been worse.”
What a fucking optimist.
Sidestepping the fact that for the families and community reeling from the devastation, it couldn’t get any worse, Abbott carries the pigskin of blind optimism to the endzone. Even in the face of a preventable tragedy, the dude is as chipper as a tree cutter’s deadly machinery.
For the rest of us, the events of May 24 are not just heartbreaking but hope-shattering. After more than two decades since Columbine, gun violence has only worsened. Guns are now the leading cause of death for kids. Now when we go to school, walk into a grocery store, or go out with friends on Friday night, we’re left wondering if we’ll make it home.
That’s the new reality of life in America.
But before you get all glum about it, take a tip from Gov. Abbott and ignore the realities of everyone’s grief to look on the bright side with this handy guide. You’ll be smiling like a sociopath in no time.
Cover Photo: Icon Sportswire (Getty Images)
Governor Abbott Bright Side
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When Your State Power Grid Craps Out Leaving Millions of Texans Freezing in Their Homes
Let Ted Cruz take the fall. Sit back and watch as the nation dunks on your socially inept buddy. Bask in the light of your smoking room fireplace as you cozy up inside your well-heated mansion and enjoy a second cup of hot cocoa.
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When Your Poll Numbers Go Down
Pass voter suppression legislation to help you stay in office. Unironically ban drive-thru and 24-hour voting to make it harder for people with disabilities (like guys in wheelchairs) to vote. Oooh, that feels warm and fuzzy all over.
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When Climate Change Threatens to Become an Existential Crisis
Overturn fracking bans and accept $30 million from oil companies to run your political attack ads. Because not accepting that money would be unacceptable.
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When Gun Violence Steadily Increases Across Your State
Sign a bill allowing permitless carry of firearms so any untrained yokel with half a mind can go out and get himself a shooting iron. (Nothing like an amateur gunslinger to brighten your day.)
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When Covid Ravages Texans and Leads to 88,000 Deaths
Make sure you become the least insured state in America. Medicine is for losers.
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When the Worst Mass Shooting of the Decade Happens on Your Watch
Use it as a reason to self-promote ahead of a big election by not attending the NRA meeting you were scheduled to speak at (but only after days of public shaming). Feel the endorphins pumping.
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When Your Police Department Fails in an Active Shooter Response
Use that as an opportunity to throw them under the bus while not addressing the underlying issues. (You've always wanted to throw someone under the bus.)
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When You Can't Have Kids of Your Own
Force other women to have kids they don't want to by creating a pro-life frenzy akin to the mid-1930s Gestapo. Turn neighbors against neighbors. Make women feel marginalized. Be the example the far-right needs to carve out an environment ripe for discrimination and civil discord. (Ya, baby! Good leadership gives you all the feels.)
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When a Tree Challenges You to a Fight and Wins
Bottle everything up inside until it makes you an insufferable human being who needs a guide just to look at the bright side of things in order to not drive your car off a cliff and find sweet relief in the fiery wreckage below.
Feeling better yet?
