Are those illegal drugs in your pants or are you just really happy to see us? That’s what we might have said to a certain Florida man who was recently busted for carrying bags of cocaine and methamphetamine wrapped around his penis.
The 34-year-old, named Patrick Florence, got onto the law’s radar last weekend in Clearwater after the car he was a passenger in got pulled over because its lights were off. (The driver was later arrested for DUI and marijuana possession.) During a search, cops discovered a firearm under Florence’s seat, then found the drugs wrapped around Florence’s dick.
When confronted, however, Florence “stated the package wrapped around his penis was not his,” Deputy Levi Blake wrote in a police report. Because, you know, narcotics just appear without explanation on penises all the time! We get that cocks have minds of their own sometimes, but…come on, man.
Obviously, nobody bought Florence’s excuse, especially given that he has been arrested upwards of 20 times by Pinellas County sheriffs, often for other drug-related charges. This time, he got slapped with four felony drugs and weapons charges.
What we don’t understand is: why did he hide the drugs around his schlong? Was his asshole already occupied?
Cover Photo: Pinellas County Sheriff’s Office
MORE NEWS:
Entertainment News 12 15 21
-
Zendaya’s Spider-Man Premiere Dress Is One Spidey Web We’re OK to Get Caught Inside
-
Miley Cyrus Is Smoking While Serenading Pete Davidson With ‘It Should Have Been Me’ (Well, It’s Been Everybody Else Already)
-
‘Welcome to Wrexham’ Teaser Hilariously Shows Just How ‘Not Sunny’ Rob McElhenney’s New Soccer Club Is (With Ryan Reynolds)
-
Josh Hartnett Claims He Missed Out ‘Brokeback Mountain’ Kiss With Joaquin Phoenix, Forgetting Every Movie Gets a Remake
-
Justin Bieber Fan Jumps Onstage, Instantly Crushed By Body Guards (And We Thought We Were Impulsive)
-
Mandatory Tweets: Best Reactions to Tom’s Last Laugh in ‘Succession’s Season 3 Finale
-
Unlikely ‘Sex and the City’ Fan Jonah Hill Pokes Major Hole in ‘And Just Like That’ Premiere, And Why Are We Watching This Crap?
-
Watch Snoop Dogg Hilariously Mispronounce Every 2022 Golden Globes Nominee, Folks Starting to Suspect He Might Be High
-
Ranked! Where ‘Home Sweet Home Alone’ Falls in the Home Alone Movie Franchise
-
Ranked! The 12 Best Celebrity Surprise Cameos in Movie History